What's the Point?

Why focus on all these feelings and emotions? Because I have become an adult who does not know how to identify my own feelings. I get frustrated by people, places and things (who doesn't?) but because I don't have ready access to my feelings, I stay in the frustrated place, becoming anxious, depressed and search for ways to self medicate. That is not the way I want to live. I want to process, learn and move on.

A List of Human Emotions

Feelings When Your Needs Are Being Met

AFFECTIONATE: compassionate, friendly, loving, open-hearted, sympathetic, tender, warm

CONFIDENT: empowered, open, proud, safe, secure

ENGAGED: absorbed, alert, curious, engrossed, enchanted, entranced, fascinated, interested, intrigued, involved, spellbound, stimulated

INSPIRED: amazed, awed, wonder
EXCITED: amazed, animated, ardent, aroused, astonished, dazzled, eager, energetic, enthusiastic, giddy, invigorated, lively, passionate, surprised, vibrant

EXHILARATED: blissful, ecstatic, elated, enthralled, exuberant, radiant, rapturous, thrilled

GRATEFUL: appreciative, moved, thankful, touched

HOPEFUL: expectant, encouraged, optimistic
JOYFUL: amused, delighted, glad, happy, jubilant, pleased, tickled

PEACEFUL: calm, clear headed,comfortable, centered, content, equanimous, fulfilled, mellow, quiet, relaxed, relieved, satisfied, serene, still, tranquil, trusting

REFRESHED: enlivened, rejuvenated, renewed, rested, restored, revived

Feelings when your needs are not satisfied
AFRAID: apprehensive, dread, foreboding, frightened, mistrustful, panicked, petrified, scared, suspicious, terrified, wary, worried

ANNOYED: aggravated, dismayed, disgruntled, displeased, exasperated, frustrated, impatient, irritated, irked

ANGRY: enraged, furious, incensed, indignant, irate, livid, outraged, resentful

AVERSION: animosity, appalled, contempt, disgusted, dislike, hate, horrified, hostile, repulsed

CONFUSED: ambivalent, baffled,bewildered, dazed, hesitant, lost, mystified, perplexed, puzzled, torn
DISCONNECTED: alienated, aloof, apathetic, bored, cold, detached, distant, distracted, indifferent, numb, removed, uninterested, withdrawn

DISQUIET: agitated, alarmed, discombobulated, disconcerted, disturbed, perturbed, rattled, restless, shocked, startled, surprised, troubled, turbulent, turmoil, uncomfortable, uneasy, unnerved, unsettled, upset

EMBARRASSED: ashamed, chagrined, flustered, guilty, mortified, self-conscious

FATIGUE: beat, burnt out, depleted, exhausted, lethargic, listless, sleepy, tired, weary, worn out
PAIN: agony, anguished, bereaved, devastated, grief, heartbroken, hurt, lonely, miserable, regretful, remorseful

SAD: depressed, dejected, despair, despondent, disappointed, discouraged, disheartened, forlorn, gloomy, heavy hearted, hopeless, melancholy, unhappy, wretched

TENSE: anxious, cranky, distressed, distraught, edgy, fidgety, frazzled, irritable, jittery, nervous, overwhelmed, restless, stressed out

VULNERABLE: fragile, guarded, helpless, insecure, leery, reserved, sensitive, shaky

YEARNING: envious, jealous, longing, nostalgic, pining, wistful

A List of Human Needs

CONNECTION
acceptance
affection
appreciation
belonging
cooperation
communication
closeness
community
companionship
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
intimacy
love
mutuality
nurturing
respect/self-respect
safety
security
stability
support
to know and be known
to see and be seen
to understand and
be understood
trust
warmth
PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
air
food
movement/exercise
rest/sleep
sexual expression
safety
shelter
touch
water

HONESTY
authenticity
integrity
presence

PLAY
joy
humor

PEACE
beauty
communion
ease
equality
harmony
inspiration
order
MEANING
awareness
celebration of life
challenge
clarity
competence
consciousness
contribution
creativity
discovery
efficacy
effectiveness
growth
hope
learning
mourning
participation
purpose
self-expression
stimulation
to matter
understanding

AUTONOMY
choice
freedom
independence
space
spontaneity

On Betrayal

I have been abandoned so many times I have lost count. By all of the significant people in my life. They are the people who by definition were supposed to support and accept me: mother, father, sister, friend, husband, lover and AA sponsor. While the major abandonments, those that were most painful and resulted in the most self destructive behavior were years in the past. It is the recent ones that have caused me to question my worth, my value and also to seek a closer union with God, often to assuage the pain of such betrayal.
It started in June when I discovered an insulting entry on Marlean’s facebook page targeted at me. I had considered Marlean one of my dearest friends. She was the first woman I had connected with when I returned to AA in 2007. She was spiritual, calm and intelligent. She helped me and I helped her. We traveled together often to out of town meetings. She enjoyed many meals at my home. Her betrayal stung me. I focused on why she did it, blamed it on the people she was associating with. I never thought about how it made me feel. In the language of pop psychology, I never processed my feelings.
It felt bad. It hurt. I felt sad. I felt a loss. I felt betrayed. (Is that a feeling?) I felt fearful at confronting her but I knew I had to. Her response was one of denial and dismissiveness. I felt sad at knowing the friendship was over. I felt alone. My need for respect, companionship and trust, healthy, human needs, had once again gone unmet in a relationship I had invested in.
Then there was Eddy, who screamed and swore at me, insulted me, when I expressed my displeasure at his unacceptable behavior. Although I tried to save the friendship, he walked away. Again I intellectualized his behavior instead of processing my feelings. I felt depressed and heavy hearted in the ensuing days. When I see him every Saturday and he ignores me, I relive the pain all over again. My reaction was that I would never again allow a person capable of screaming at me in my life again. Aversion. I feel heartbroken that this relationship is over, one that I worked so hard to strengthen, that more often than not gave me comfort and support. I feel anguish that I can never pour my heart out to him, receive his spot on advice.
Megan’s relapse and subsequent suicide letter caused me great distress. I was so angry at her. I was furious that she rejected the help she once knew to be true, that her acts of selfishness have caused tremendous stress and anxiety in the family. I was irate that she blamed me. But now I just feel depleted by the exercise of trying to have a relationship with her. I feel so sad that although I have been the best sister I can be, that gift has never been returned, and likely never will. I try to focus on my sister like relationships with the healthy women in my life. It’s not the same. I have had to completely excise Megan from my life to protect myself from her deception and destructive behavior. I continue to pray for her. The anger seems to be subsiding but I continue to feel the hurt and loneliness of her abandonment.
I don’t need to write about Jerry or about my parents. The circumstances may be different but the feelings are the same. I know that not every relationship can be reconciled. I know that it is okay to remove dangerous, hurtful people from my life. I am doing that but I still have feelings of guilt and self doubt that the failure of the relationship is my fault. Intellectually, I know it is not. I just need to feel grateful for the wonderful friendships I do have and continue to nurture them and use them to meet my need for love, security and significance.

Physical Recovery

When I returned to AA in the spring of '07, I was physically, emotionally and financially destroyed. I was on the verge of drinking. I was gripped by a suicidal depression and was planning my own death. My home was in foreclosure, my car was being repossessed, my business had failed, I went three months without a paycheck and I was on foodstamps. I had also gained 60 pounds in the previous year. I was unrecognizable to myself. My children were frightened. Where had their beautiful mother gone and how much lower was she going to fall? I worked on the emotional and financial recovery first with much success. I began to recover physically in July 08 when I went on Atkins and lost 38 pounds. I maintained that weight loss until this spring. The stress of Ben's drinking and driving caused me to stop exercising and I have never been able to resume the Atkins plan. I also gained back 12-15 lbs. So...today, Friday, September 4th is the day I picked to resume and complete my physical recovery.
I have alot of options, tons of knowledge and experience from which to make a plan. There is the gym, commercial weight loss plans, personal trainers...all of which I have used in the past. The other day, during prayer and meditation, God told me to trim unneccessary activities and people from my life. I immediately applied that principle to my physical recovery plan. I havn't been to the gym in months and should cancel the membership to save $65/month. That is step one. I have a tremendous amount of nutrition knowledge from all the books I read in the early 90's when I first attempted this (with much success). I have a great software program called Diet Power that I enjoy using because I like seeing the nutrient summaries. I also have a tuned-up bike, an eliptical machine, dumb bells, a beautiful 4 mile beach walk right outside my front door and the Cape Cod Canal a few miles away. I have the tools and my back problem has been cured by the latest treatment...so I have no obstacles to exercising. Fortunately, I like exercise.
I need a goal and a plan. Goal: To be a size 10. I have an idea what I need to weigh to achieve that but the number is not important.
Plan:

1. Prayer and meditation. Ask God daily for His help in achieving this goal. I know that God wants me to be in good physical condition to continue to do the work He gives me to do.
2. Food. Enter all food into Diet Power. Do not restrict types of food. Limit quantities of foods that will not contribute to the goal.
3. Exercise. Get my pulse rate up to 120 for 20" every day, minimum. Bike, walk, eliptical, lift...some combination of at least 2 activities every day. Double up on weekends.
4. Smoking. Buy the patch today, put it on tomorrow. Get off the butts.
5. Emotional. Limit my exposure to hurtful, negative people.

That's the plan. On my way. Sexy, beautiful, fit...here I come.

Weakness in My Character

After reviewing that list (published by the Character Training Institue) I can answer the question I posed in my earlier post. I am not practising joyfulness and tolerance. Intolerance of others has been on my mind for a couple of weeks. Tolerance is accepting that other people are at different levels of character development. Okay, got that. But what about when their actions or words hurt me? See forgiveness? The key to my distress is that I have abandoned joyfulness, the ability to be content regardless of the circumstances. One dictionary defines character thusly, "the stable and distinctive qualities built into an individual's life which determine his or her response regardless of circumstances." The 12 steps and my relationship with God restored my character to the way God meant it to be before an abusive childhood, alcoholism and self-will interfered. It's a daily quest to maintain and strengthen my character but one worth the effort.

Character Traits

List of Character Traits
Alertness - Being aware of what is taking place around me so I can have the right responses. Attentiveness - Showing the worth of a person or task by giving my undivided concentration. Availability - Making my own schedule and priorities secondary to the wishes of those I serve. Benevolence - Giving to others basic needs without having as my motive personal reward. Boldness - Confidence that what I have to say or do is true, right, and just. Cautiousness - Knowing how important right timing is in accomplishing right actions. Compassion - Investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others. Contentment - Realizing that true happiness does not depend on material conditions. Creativity - Approaching a need, a task, or an idea from a new perspective. Decisiveness - The ability to recognize key factors and finalize difficult decisions. Deference - Limiting my freedom so I do not offend the tastes of those around me. Dependability - Fulfilling what I consented to do, even if it means unexpected sacrifice. Determination - Purposing to accomplish right goals at the right time, regardless of the opposition. Diligence - Investing my time and energy to complete each task assigned to me. Discernment - Understanding the deeper reasons why things happen. Discretion - Recognizing and avoiding words, actions, and attitudes that could bring undesirable consequences. Endurance - The inward strength to withstand stress and do my best. Enthusiasm - Expressing joy in each task as I give it my best effort. Faith - Confidence that actions rooted in good character will yield the best outcome, even when I cannot see how. Flexibility - Willingness to change plans or ideas according to the direction of my authorities. Forgiveness - Clearing the record of those who have wronged me and not holding a grudge. Generosity - Carefully managing my resources so I can freely give to those in need. Gentleness - Showing consideration and personal concern for others. Gratefulness - Letting others know by my words and actions how they have benefitted my life. Honor - Respecting those in leadership because of the higher authorities they represent. Hospitality - Cheerfully sharing food, shelter, or conversation to benefit others. Humility - Acknowledging that achievement results from the investment of others in my life. Initiative - Recognizing and doing what needs to be done before I am asked to do it. Joyfulness - Maintaining a good attitude, even when faced with unpleasant conditions. Justice - Taking personal responsibility to uphold what is pure, right, and true. Loyalty - Using difficult times to demonstrate my commitment to those I serve. Meekness - Yielding my personal rights and expectations with a desire to serve. Obedience - Quickly and cheerfully carrying out the direction of those who are responsible for me. Orderliness - Arranging myself and my surroundings to achieve greater efficiency. Patience - Accepting a difficult situation without giving a deadline to remove it. Persuasiveness - Guiding vital truths around another's mental roadblocks. Punctuality - Showing esteem for others by doing the right thing at the right time. Resourcefulness - Finding practical uses for that which others would overlook or discard. Responsibility - Knowing and doing what is expected of me. Security - Structuring my life around that which cannot be destroyed or taken away. Self-Control - Rejecting wrong desires and doing what is right. Sensitivity - Perceiving the true attitudes and emotions of those around me. Sincerity - Eagerness to do what is right with transparent motives. Thoroughness - Knowing what factors will diminish the effectiveness of my work or words if neglected. Thriftiness - Allowing myself and others to spend only what is necessary. Tolerance - Realizing that everyone is at varying levels of character development. Truthfulness - Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts. Virtue - The moral excellence evident in my life as I consistently do what is right. Wisdom - Seeing and responding to life situations from a perspective that transcends my current circumstances.

Character

One of the results of taking the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and helping others this year has been the restoration of my character and the development of emotional maturity. I am truly a grown up now. I have mature, calm responses to the people and situations that color my days. Yes, I can still get knocked off the beam but with prayer and the counsel of others, I get back up. I wish I could say the same for some of the people in my group. One woman is a divisive, negative gossip. Her lack of character pervades everything she does. In her 60's, she prays on vulnerable new people, attempting to ensnair them in her way of thinking, separating them from the people who can offer them real help and hope. She loudly announces these attempts when I am in earshot. And then there is Eddy's childish, ingnorant response to our conflict. Perhaps I should focus on the people of good character, but honestly there seems to be so few. I am feeling a bit persecuted. It's interesting that these two people have never done any step work. They are two steppers in every sense of the description that Bill W. put forward many years ago. Why does their rejection bother me?

My sister's relapse

I suspected that my sister had relapsed. She is an alcoholic and drug addict. I thought, after receiving some strange emails and a general pattern of selfishness that she was abusing pain medications because she had access to them due to some recent medical problems. I was shocked to learn that she was drinking, that she had declared herself not an alcoholic. That shock was nothing compared to my reaction to the following email:To my family:
A
Well the news is out - yes, I have inbibed! And some of you are accusing me of being a liar and not aware of what I am doing with my own life.

I have learned to keep things to myself in this family for this very reason - reactions like this. Since January, I have undergone a wonderful, healing tranformation. I was given CD's about Codependency by June Hunt from Bethany. They literally changed my life and I bought the companion work book and began working on this issue. It was clear to me since I listened to her seminar on the issue that codependent relationships was my PRIMARY ADDICTION and that if I did not work on that there was no hope of recovery from my secondary addictions.

What are my secondary addictions? Bulimia and cocaine/crack. No, I am not an alcoholic. However, that does not mean that I did not abuse alcohol for a period of time in order to feed a crack addiction. I had to be drunk in order to loosen my moral compass enough to engage in all the activities of a crack addict which are pretty harendous.

After many discussions with my therapist, primary doctor, my current temporary sponsor, listening to a long series of AA tapes by a well known speaker in AA, prayer, an inventory of my prior drinkiing history prior to beging involved with the person that so lovingly introduced crack cocaine into my life, it is clear to me that I do not fit the description of an alcoholic.

Does this mean I am abandoning the 12 steps way of life? Of course not, I can't think of a better design for living. I will continue to go to AA (because I can't go to NA - the discussions bother me and I get a lot out AA), Alanon, and am searching for some 12 step codependency meetings. How much do I drink, you ask? Not much. Probably a lot less that what most people would call a social drinker. I guess when I want to and I don't have the desire that often. I don't have any stock in my house and never did in the past.

I have never been happier, healthier or this centered in my life. You are all welcome to have whatever opinion you want and treat me whatever way you want. Just keep your opinions to yourself. If you choose to treat me differently, I have no control over that.

This is the only thing I will say on the matter. I guess the only thing you can do is sit back and observe. The proof is always in the pudding. And by the way, if I want to stay up till 2:30 in the morning, I can. I am 42 and there are a million reasons besides drinking that I often stay up late. I have had chronic insomnia since I was 20 years old. I have been under a doctor's care for this condition for more than 15 years. I do not and will not answer stupid questions like that. You can assume all you want.

The end.

Love,
Megan

The depth of her self -deception and denial is staggering. This letter is frightening and hurtful. I have been in recovery long enough to know that no one can penetrate her denial. She is truly on her own. And once again, I am without a sister. She will progress to a cocaine relapse. She may have already, she was up still sending emails at 4am. I am so angry. I can't get past it. Everytime I think of it, I get angrier, thinking that I want her out of my life. She is too sick. I feel frightened of her because I know with absolute certainty where she will end up. And then I think 'what if I'm wrong?'. But thousands of AA stories, don't lie. It is unlikely that she has stumbled upon a cure for alcoholism. So what am I left with? I have not responded to the email. I am simply too angry. I have not responded to the stupid emails she sent last night, although I want to tell her to stop sending me links to useless information. The only decision I am comfortable with is to stop enabling her and to educate my family to do the same. No money, no housing. The only help someone should give her is a ride to detox. This is a pretty painful situation for me. She was on a track of genuine recovery. I had hope that I would have a sister again.

Julia Child's Purpose

Today I saw the movie "Julie and Julia". I love all things Julia Child and was thrilled to enjoy Meryl Streep's excellent interpretation of her voice and demeanor. Meeting Julia Child at Wilson's Farm in the fall of '93 remains one of the highlights of my life. I love to hear stories of how people find the purpose of their lives. Sometimes it's a happy accident, being in the right place at the right time. Some people know their purpose early on in their lives. Maybe they come from a family of firemen or surgeons and know their destiny is there. A life's purpose doesn't have to be a job or career choice. Some women were born to be wives and mothers, never working outside of the home. Maybe it can be as vague as helping people or as specific as writing a cookbook and becoming an American icon. What about my purpose? I seem to have a gift at counseling people and carrying the message of AA. I used to be a talented writer and could probably resurrect that with some instruction and practice. But why am I here? The desire of my heart is to be a wife. Bad choices and a life previously run on self will have thwarted that dream for many years, but I have faith that God will put a wonderful man in my life soon. Perhaps my purpose is found in seeking and doing God's will everyday, waiting and being willing to accept God's will for my life.