On Betrayal

I have been abandoned so many times I have lost count. By all of the significant people in my life. They are the people who by definition were supposed to support and accept me: mother, father, sister, friend, husband, lover and AA sponsor. While the major abandonments, those that were most painful and resulted in the most self destructive behavior were years in the past. It is the recent ones that have caused me to question my worth, my value and also to seek a closer union with God, often to assuage the pain of such betrayal.
It started in June when I discovered an insulting entry on Marlean’s facebook page targeted at me. I had considered Marlean one of my dearest friends. She was the first woman I had connected with when I returned to AA in 2007. She was spiritual, calm and intelligent. She helped me and I helped her. We traveled together often to out of town meetings. She enjoyed many meals at my home. Her betrayal stung me. I focused on why she did it, blamed it on the people she was associating with. I never thought about how it made me feel. In the language of pop psychology, I never processed my feelings.
It felt bad. It hurt. I felt sad. I felt a loss. I felt betrayed. (Is that a feeling?) I felt fearful at confronting her but I knew I had to. Her response was one of denial and dismissiveness. I felt sad at knowing the friendship was over. I felt alone. My need for respect, companionship and trust, healthy, human needs, had once again gone unmet in a relationship I had invested in.
Then there was Eddy, who screamed and swore at me, insulted me, when I expressed my displeasure at his unacceptable behavior. Although I tried to save the friendship, he walked away. Again I intellectualized his behavior instead of processing my feelings. I felt depressed and heavy hearted in the ensuing days. When I see him every Saturday and he ignores me, I relive the pain all over again. My reaction was that I would never again allow a person capable of screaming at me in my life again. Aversion. I feel heartbroken that this relationship is over, one that I worked so hard to strengthen, that more often than not gave me comfort and support. I feel anguish that I can never pour my heart out to him, receive his spot on advice.
Megan’s relapse and subsequent suicide letter caused me great distress. I was so angry at her. I was furious that she rejected the help she once knew to be true, that her acts of selfishness have caused tremendous stress and anxiety in the family. I was irate that she blamed me. But now I just feel depleted by the exercise of trying to have a relationship with her. I feel so sad that although I have been the best sister I can be, that gift has never been returned, and likely never will. I try to focus on my sister like relationships with the healthy women in my life. It’s not the same. I have had to completely excise Megan from my life to protect myself from her deception and destructive behavior. I continue to pray for her. The anger seems to be subsiding but I continue to feel the hurt and loneliness of her abandonment.
I don’t need to write about Jerry or about my parents. The circumstances may be different but the feelings are the same. I know that not every relationship can be reconciled. I know that it is okay to remove dangerous, hurtful people from my life. I am doing that but I still have feelings of guilt and self doubt that the failure of the relationship is my fault. Intellectually, I know it is not. I just need to feel grateful for the wonderful friendships I do have and continue to nurture them and use them to meet my need for love, security and significance.