What's the Point?

Why focus on all these feelings and emotions? Because I have become an adult who does not know how to identify my own feelings. I get frustrated by people, places and things (who doesn't?) but because I don't have ready access to my feelings, I stay in the frustrated place, becoming anxious, depressed and search for ways to self medicate. That is not the way I want to live. I want to process, learn and move on.

A List of Human Emotions

Feelings When Your Needs Are Being Met

AFFECTIONATE: compassionate, friendly, loving, open-hearted, sympathetic, tender, warm

CONFIDENT: empowered, open, proud, safe, secure

ENGAGED: absorbed, alert, curious, engrossed, enchanted, entranced, fascinated, interested, intrigued, involved, spellbound, stimulated

INSPIRED: amazed, awed, wonder
EXCITED: amazed, animated, ardent, aroused, astonished, dazzled, eager, energetic, enthusiastic, giddy, invigorated, lively, passionate, surprised, vibrant

EXHILARATED: blissful, ecstatic, elated, enthralled, exuberant, radiant, rapturous, thrilled

GRATEFUL: appreciative, moved, thankful, touched

HOPEFUL: expectant, encouraged, optimistic
JOYFUL: amused, delighted, glad, happy, jubilant, pleased, tickled

PEACEFUL: calm, clear headed,comfortable, centered, content, equanimous, fulfilled, mellow, quiet, relaxed, relieved, satisfied, serene, still, tranquil, trusting

REFRESHED: enlivened, rejuvenated, renewed, rested, restored, revived

Feelings when your needs are not satisfied
AFRAID: apprehensive, dread, foreboding, frightened, mistrustful, panicked, petrified, scared, suspicious, terrified, wary, worried

ANNOYED: aggravated, dismayed, disgruntled, displeased, exasperated, frustrated, impatient, irritated, irked

ANGRY: enraged, furious, incensed, indignant, irate, livid, outraged, resentful

AVERSION: animosity, appalled, contempt, disgusted, dislike, hate, horrified, hostile, repulsed

CONFUSED: ambivalent, baffled,bewildered, dazed, hesitant, lost, mystified, perplexed, puzzled, torn
DISCONNECTED: alienated, aloof, apathetic, bored, cold, detached, distant, distracted, indifferent, numb, removed, uninterested, withdrawn

DISQUIET: agitated, alarmed, discombobulated, disconcerted, disturbed, perturbed, rattled, restless, shocked, startled, surprised, troubled, turbulent, turmoil, uncomfortable, uneasy, unnerved, unsettled, upset

EMBARRASSED: ashamed, chagrined, flustered, guilty, mortified, self-conscious

FATIGUE: beat, burnt out, depleted, exhausted, lethargic, listless, sleepy, tired, weary, worn out
PAIN: agony, anguished, bereaved, devastated, grief, heartbroken, hurt, lonely, miserable, regretful, remorseful

SAD: depressed, dejected, despair, despondent, disappointed, discouraged, disheartened, forlorn, gloomy, heavy hearted, hopeless, melancholy, unhappy, wretched

TENSE: anxious, cranky, distressed, distraught, edgy, fidgety, frazzled, irritable, jittery, nervous, overwhelmed, restless, stressed out

VULNERABLE: fragile, guarded, helpless, insecure, leery, reserved, sensitive, shaky

YEARNING: envious, jealous, longing, nostalgic, pining, wistful

A List of Human Needs

CONNECTION
acceptance
affection
appreciation
belonging
cooperation
communication
closeness
community
companionship
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
intimacy
love
mutuality
nurturing
respect/self-respect
safety
security
stability
support
to know and be known
to see and be seen
to understand and
be understood
trust
warmth
PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
air
food
movement/exercise
rest/sleep
sexual expression
safety
shelter
touch
water

HONESTY
authenticity
integrity
presence

PLAY
joy
humor

PEACE
beauty
communion
ease
equality
harmony
inspiration
order
MEANING
awareness
celebration of life
challenge
clarity
competence
consciousness
contribution
creativity
discovery
efficacy
effectiveness
growth
hope
learning
mourning
participation
purpose
self-expression
stimulation
to matter
understanding

AUTONOMY
choice
freedom
independence
space
spontaneity

On Betrayal

I have been abandoned so many times I have lost count. By all of the significant people in my life. They are the people who by definition were supposed to support and accept me: mother, father, sister, friend, husband, lover and AA sponsor. While the major abandonments, those that were most painful and resulted in the most self destructive behavior were years in the past. It is the recent ones that have caused me to question my worth, my value and also to seek a closer union with God, often to assuage the pain of such betrayal.
It started in June when I discovered an insulting entry on Marlean’s facebook page targeted at me. I had considered Marlean one of my dearest friends. She was the first woman I had connected with when I returned to AA in 2007. She was spiritual, calm and intelligent. She helped me and I helped her. We traveled together often to out of town meetings. She enjoyed many meals at my home. Her betrayal stung me. I focused on why she did it, blamed it on the people she was associating with. I never thought about how it made me feel. In the language of pop psychology, I never processed my feelings.
It felt bad. It hurt. I felt sad. I felt a loss. I felt betrayed. (Is that a feeling?) I felt fearful at confronting her but I knew I had to. Her response was one of denial and dismissiveness. I felt sad at knowing the friendship was over. I felt alone. My need for respect, companionship and trust, healthy, human needs, had once again gone unmet in a relationship I had invested in.
Then there was Eddy, who screamed and swore at me, insulted me, when I expressed my displeasure at his unacceptable behavior. Although I tried to save the friendship, he walked away. Again I intellectualized his behavior instead of processing my feelings. I felt depressed and heavy hearted in the ensuing days. When I see him every Saturday and he ignores me, I relive the pain all over again. My reaction was that I would never again allow a person capable of screaming at me in my life again. Aversion. I feel heartbroken that this relationship is over, one that I worked so hard to strengthen, that more often than not gave me comfort and support. I feel anguish that I can never pour my heart out to him, receive his spot on advice.
Megan’s relapse and subsequent suicide letter caused me great distress. I was so angry at her. I was furious that she rejected the help she once knew to be true, that her acts of selfishness have caused tremendous stress and anxiety in the family. I was irate that she blamed me. But now I just feel depleted by the exercise of trying to have a relationship with her. I feel so sad that although I have been the best sister I can be, that gift has never been returned, and likely never will. I try to focus on my sister like relationships with the healthy women in my life. It’s not the same. I have had to completely excise Megan from my life to protect myself from her deception and destructive behavior. I continue to pray for her. The anger seems to be subsiding but I continue to feel the hurt and loneliness of her abandonment.
I don’t need to write about Jerry or about my parents. The circumstances may be different but the feelings are the same. I know that not every relationship can be reconciled. I know that it is okay to remove dangerous, hurtful people from my life. I am doing that but I still have feelings of guilt and self doubt that the failure of the relationship is my fault. Intellectually, I know it is not. I just need to feel grateful for the wonderful friendships I do have and continue to nurture them and use them to meet my need for love, security and significance.