Sunday, August 30, 2009
Weakness in My Character
After reviewing that list (published by the Character Training Institue) I can answer the question I posed in my earlier post. I am not practising joyfulness and tolerance. Intolerance of others has been on my mind for a couple of weeks. Tolerance is accepting that other people are at different levels of character development. Okay, got that. But what about when their actions or words hurt me? See forgiveness? The key to my distress is that I have abandoned joyfulness, the ability to be content regardless of the circumstances. One dictionary defines character thusly, "the stable and distinctive qualities built into an individual's life which determine his or her response regardless of circumstances." The 12 steps and my relationship with God restored my character to the way God meant it to be before an abusive childhood, alcoholism and self-will interfered. It's a daily quest to maintain and strengthen my character but one worth the effort.
Character Traits
List of Character Traits
Alertness - Being aware of what is taking place around me so I can have the right responses. Attentiveness - Showing the worth of a person or task by giving my undivided concentration. Availability - Making my own schedule and priorities secondary to the wishes of those I serve. Benevolence - Giving to others basic needs without having as my motive personal reward. Boldness - Confidence that what I have to say or do is true, right, and just. Cautiousness - Knowing how important right timing is in accomplishing right actions. Compassion - Investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others. Contentment - Realizing that true happiness does not depend on material conditions. Creativity - Approaching a need, a task, or an idea from a new perspective. Decisiveness - The ability to recognize key factors and finalize difficult decisions. Deference - Limiting my freedom so I do not offend the tastes of those around me. Dependability - Fulfilling what I consented to do, even if it means unexpected sacrifice. Determination - Purposing to accomplish right goals at the right time, regardless of the opposition. Diligence - Investing my time and energy to complete each task assigned to me. Discernment - Understanding the deeper reasons why things happen. Discretion - Recognizing and avoiding words, actions, and attitudes that could bring undesirable consequences. Endurance - The inward strength to withstand stress and do my best. Enthusiasm - Expressing joy in each task as I give it my best effort. Faith - Confidence that actions rooted in good character will yield the best outcome, even when I cannot see how. Flexibility - Willingness to change plans or ideas according to the direction of my authorities. Forgiveness - Clearing the record of those who have wronged me and not holding a grudge. Generosity - Carefully managing my resources so I can freely give to those in need. Gentleness - Showing consideration and personal concern for others. Gratefulness - Letting others know by my words and actions how they have benefitted my life. Honor - Respecting those in leadership because of the higher authorities they represent. Hospitality - Cheerfully sharing food, shelter, or conversation to benefit others. Humility - Acknowledging that achievement results from the investment of others in my life. Initiative - Recognizing and doing what needs to be done before I am asked to do it. Joyfulness - Maintaining a good attitude, even when faced with unpleasant conditions. Justice - Taking personal responsibility to uphold what is pure, right, and true. Loyalty - Using difficult times to demonstrate my commitment to those I serve. Meekness - Yielding my personal rights and expectations with a desire to serve. Obedience - Quickly and cheerfully carrying out the direction of those who are responsible for me. Orderliness - Arranging myself and my surroundings to achieve greater efficiency. Patience - Accepting a difficult situation without giving a deadline to remove it. Persuasiveness - Guiding vital truths around another's mental roadblocks. Punctuality - Showing esteem for others by doing the right thing at the right time. Resourcefulness - Finding practical uses for that which others would overlook or discard. Responsibility - Knowing and doing what is expected of me. Security - Structuring my life around that which cannot be destroyed or taken away. Self-Control - Rejecting wrong desires and doing what is right. Sensitivity - Perceiving the true attitudes and emotions of those around me. Sincerity - Eagerness to do what is right with transparent motives. Thoroughness - Knowing what factors will diminish the effectiveness of my work or words if neglected. Thriftiness - Allowing myself and others to spend only what is necessary. Tolerance - Realizing that everyone is at varying levels of character development. Truthfulness - Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts. Virtue - The moral excellence evident in my life as I consistently do what is right. Wisdom - Seeing and responding to life situations from a perspective that transcends my current circumstances.
Alertness - Being aware of what is taking place around me so I can have the right responses. Attentiveness - Showing the worth of a person or task by giving my undivided concentration. Availability - Making my own schedule and priorities secondary to the wishes of those I serve. Benevolence - Giving to others basic needs without having as my motive personal reward. Boldness - Confidence that what I have to say or do is true, right, and just. Cautiousness - Knowing how important right timing is in accomplishing right actions. Compassion - Investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others. Contentment - Realizing that true happiness does not depend on material conditions. Creativity - Approaching a need, a task, or an idea from a new perspective. Decisiveness - The ability to recognize key factors and finalize difficult decisions. Deference - Limiting my freedom so I do not offend the tastes of those around me. Dependability - Fulfilling what I consented to do, even if it means unexpected sacrifice. Determination - Purposing to accomplish right goals at the right time, regardless of the opposition. Diligence - Investing my time and energy to complete each task assigned to me. Discernment - Understanding the deeper reasons why things happen. Discretion - Recognizing and avoiding words, actions, and attitudes that could bring undesirable consequences. Endurance - The inward strength to withstand stress and do my best. Enthusiasm - Expressing joy in each task as I give it my best effort. Faith - Confidence that actions rooted in good character will yield the best outcome, even when I cannot see how. Flexibility - Willingness to change plans or ideas according to the direction of my authorities. Forgiveness - Clearing the record of those who have wronged me and not holding a grudge. Generosity - Carefully managing my resources so I can freely give to those in need. Gentleness - Showing consideration and personal concern for others. Gratefulness - Letting others know by my words and actions how they have benefitted my life. Honor - Respecting those in leadership because of the higher authorities they represent. Hospitality - Cheerfully sharing food, shelter, or conversation to benefit others. Humility - Acknowledging that achievement results from the investment of others in my life. Initiative - Recognizing and doing what needs to be done before I am asked to do it. Joyfulness - Maintaining a good attitude, even when faced with unpleasant conditions. Justice - Taking personal responsibility to uphold what is pure, right, and true. Loyalty - Using difficult times to demonstrate my commitment to those I serve. Meekness - Yielding my personal rights and expectations with a desire to serve. Obedience - Quickly and cheerfully carrying out the direction of those who are responsible for me. Orderliness - Arranging myself and my surroundings to achieve greater efficiency. Patience - Accepting a difficult situation without giving a deadline to remove it. Persuasiveness - Guiding vital truths around another's mental roadblocks. Punctuality - Showing esteem for others by doing the right thing at the right time. Resourcefulness - Finding practical uses for that which others would overlook or discard. Responsibility - Knowing and doing what is expected of me. Security - Structuring my life around that which cannot be destroyed or taken away. Self-Control - Rejecting wrong desires and doing what is right. Sensitivity - Perceiving the true attitudes and emotions of those around me. Sincerity - Eagerness to do what is right with transparent motives. Thoroughness - Knowing what factors will diminish the effectiveness of my work or words if neglected. Thriftiness - Allowing myself and others to spend only what is necessary. Tolerance - Realizing that everyone is at varying levels of character development. Truthfulness - Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts. Virtue - The moral excellence evident in my life as I consistently do what is right. Wisdom - Seeing and responding to life situations from a perspective that transcends my current circumstances.
Character
One of the results of taking the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and helping others this year has been the restoration of my character and the development of emotional maturity. I am truly a grown up now. I have mature, calm responses to the people and situations that color my days. Yes, I can still get knocked off the beam but with prayer and the counsel of others, I get back up. I wish I could say the same for some of the people in my group. One woman is a divisive, negative gossip. Her lack of character pervades everything she does. In her 60's, she prays on vulnerable new people, attempting to ensnair them in her way of thinking, separating them from the people who can offer them real help and hope. She loudly announces these attempts when I am in earshot. And then there is Eddy's childish, ingnorant response to our conflict. Perhaps I should focus on the people of good character, but honestly there seems to be so few. I am feeling a bit persecuted. It's interesting that these two people have never done any step work. They are two steppers in every sense of the description that Bill W. put forward many years ago. Why does their rejection bother me?
Saturday, August 29, 2009
My sister's relapse
I suspected that my sister had relapsed. She is an alcoholic and drug addict. I thought, after receiving some strange emails and a general pattern of selfishness that she was abusing pain medications because she had access to them due to some recent medical problems. I was shocked to learn that she was drinking, that she had declared herself not an alcoholic. That shock was nothing compared to my reaction to the following email:To my family:
A
Well the news is out - yes, I have inbibed! And some of you are accusing me of being a liar and not aware of what I am doing with my own life.
I have learned to keep things to myself in this family for this very reason - reactions like this. Since January, I have undergone a wonderful, healing tranformation. I was given CD's about Codependency by June Hunt from Bethany. They literally changed my life and I bought the companion work book and began working on this issue. It was clear to me since I listened to her seminar on the issue that codependent relationships was my PRIMARY ADDICTION and that if I did not work on that there was no hope of recovery from my secondary addictions.
What are my secondary addictions? Bulimia and cocaine/crack. No, I am not an alcoholic. However, that does not mean that I did not abuse alcohol for a period of time in order to feed a crack addiction. I had to be drunk in order to loosen my moral compass enough to engage in all the activities of a crack addict which are pretty harendous.
After many discussions with my therapist, primary doctor, my current temporary sponsor, listening to a long series of AA tapes by a well known speaker in AA, prayer, an inventory of my prior drinkiing history prior to beging involved with the person that so lovingly introduced crack cocaine into my life, it is clear to me that I do not fit the description of an alcoholic.
Does this mean I am abandoning the 12 steps way of life? Of course not, I can't think of a better design for living. I will continue to go to AA (because I can't go to NA - the discussions bother me and I get a lot out AA), Alanon, and am searching for some 12 step codependency meetings. How much do I drink, you ask? Not much. Probably a lot less that what most people would call a social drinker. I guess when I want to and I don't have the desire that often. I don't have any stock in my house and never did in the past.
I have never been happier, healthier or this centered in my life. You are all welcome to have whatever opinion you want and treat me whatever way you want. Just keep your opinions to yourself. If you choose to treat me differently, I have no control over that.
This is the only thing I will say on the matter. I guess the only thing you can do is sit back and observe. The proof is always in the pudding. And by the way, if I want to stay up till 2:30 in the morning, I can. I am 42 and there are a million reasons besides drinking that I often stay up late. I have had chronic insomnia since I was 20 years old. I have been under a doctor's care for this condition for more than 15 years. I do not and will not answer stupid questions like that. You can assume all you want.
The end.
Love,
Megan
The depth of her self -deception and denial is staggering. This letter is frightening and hurtful. I have been in recovery long enough to know that no one can penetrate her denial. She is truly on her own. And once again, I am without a sister. She will progress to a cocaine relapse. She may have already, she was up still sending emails at 4am. I am so angry. I can't get past it. Everytime I think of it, I get angrier, thinking that I want her out of my life. She is too sick. I feel frightened of her because I know with absolute certainty where she will end up. And then I think 'what if I'm wrong?'. But thousands of AA stories, don't lie. It is unlikely that she has stumbled upon a cure for alcoholism. So what am I left with? I have not responded to the email. I am simply too angry. I have not responded to the stupid emails she sent last night, although I want to tell her to stop sending me links to useless information. The only decision I am comfortable with is to stop enabling her and to educate my family to do the same. No money, no housing. The only help someone should give her is a ride to detox. This is a pretty painful situation for me. She was on a track of genuine recovery. I had hope that I would have a sister again.
A
Well the news is out - yes, I have inbibed! And some of you are accusing me of being a liar and not aware of what I am doing with my own life.
I have learned to keep things to myself in this family for this very reason - reactions like this. Since January, I have undergone a wonderful, healing tranformation. I was given CD's about Codependency by June Hunt from Bethany. They literally changed my life and I bought the companion work book and began working on this issue. It was clear to me since I listened to her seminar on the issue that codependent relationships was my PRIMARY ADDICTION and that if I did not work on that there was no hope of recovery from my secondary addictions.
What are my secondary addictions? Bulimia and cocaine/crack. No, I am not an alcoholic. However, that does not mean that I did not abuse alcohol for a period of time in order to feed a crack addiction. I had to be drunk in order to loosen my moral compass enough to engage in all the activities of a crack addict which are pretty harendous.
After many discussions with my therapist, primary doctor, my current temporary sponsor, listening to a long series of AA tapes by a well known speaker in AA, prayer, an inventory of my prior drinkiing history prior to beging involved with the person that so lovingly introduced crack cocaine into my life, it is clear to me that I do not fit the description of an alcoholic.
Does this mean I am abandoning the 12 steps way of life? Of course not, I can't think of a better design for living. I will continue to go to AA (because I can't go to NA - the discussions bother me and I get a lot out AA), Alanon, and am searching for some 12 step codependency meetings. How much do I drink, you ask? Not much. Probably a lot less that what most people would call a social drinker. I guess when I want to and I don't have the desire that often. I don't have any stock in my house and never did in the past.
I have never been happier, healthier or this centered in my life. You are all welcome to have whatever opinion you want and treat me whatever way you want. Just keep your opinions to yourself. If you choose to treat me differently, I have no control over that.
This is the only thing I will say on the matter. I guess the only thing you can do is sit back and observe. The proof is always in the pudding. And by the way, if I want to stay up till 2:30 in the morning, I can. I am 42 and there are a million reasons besides drinking that I often stay up late. I have had chronic insomnia since I was 20 years old. I have been under a doctor's care for this condition for more than 15 years. I do not and will not answer stupid questions like that. You can assume all you want.
The end.
Love,
Megan
The depth of her self -deception and denial is staggering. This letter is frightening and hurtful. I have been in recovery long enough to know that no one can penetrate her denial. She is truly on her own. And once again, I am without a sister. She will progress to a cocaine relapse. She may have already, she was up still sending emails at 4am. I am so angry. I can't get past it. Everytime I think of it, I get angrier, thinking that I want her out of my life. She is too sick. I feel frightened of her because I know with absolute certainty where she will end up. And then I think 'what if I'm wrong?'. But thousands of AA stories, don't lie. It is unlikely that she has stumbled upon a cure for alcoholism. So what am I left with? I have not responded to the email. I am simply too angry. I have not responded to the stupid emails she sent last night, although I want to tell her to stop sending me links to useless information. The only decision I am comfortable with is to stop enabling her and to educate my family to do the same. No money, no housing. The only help someone should give her is a ride to detox. This is a pretty painful situation for me. She was on a track of genuine recovery. I had hope that I would have a sister again.
Julia Child's Purpose
Today I saw the movie "Julie and Julia". I love all things Julia Child and was thrilled to enjoy Meryl Streep's excellent interpretation of her voice and demeanor. Meeting Julia Child at Wilson's Farm in the fall of '93 remains one of the highlights of my life. I love to hear stories of how people find the purpose of their lives. Sometimes it's a happy accident, being in the right place at the right time. Some people know their purpose early on in their lives. Maybe they come from a family of firemen or surgeons and know their destiny is there. A life's purpose doesn't have to be a job or career choice. Some women were born to be wives and mothers, never working outside of the home. Maybe it can be as vague as helping people or as specific as writing a cookbook and becoming an American icon. What about my purpose? I seem to have a gift at counseling people and carrying the message of AA. I used to be a talented writer and could probably resurrect that with some instruction and practice. But why am I here? The desire of my heart is to be a wife. Bad choices and a life previously run on self will have thwarted that dream for many years, but I have faith that God will put a wonderful man in my life soon. Perhaps my purpose is found in seeking and doing God's will everyday, waiting and being willing to accept God's will for my life.
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